i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
