dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
