im drinking this country out of the recession.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
