He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
That accounts for only three of the penises
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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