I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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