So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
