I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
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