You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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