I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
