what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
