1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I didn't notice because vodka
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
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