Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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