Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
