The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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