Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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