checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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