I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
