He disabled his match.com account in front of me
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
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