69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
