I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
All the doctor said was why
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
