Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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