Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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