hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
