I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
