she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
