Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
