Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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