guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
