He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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