tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
