Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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