i just made my gag reflex go away.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
He better not be in your backpack
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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