Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Randomize
