I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
