We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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