speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
