but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
