I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
