You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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