You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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