Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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