there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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