Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
