this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
