I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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