He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
