it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Randomize
