ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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