hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
