woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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