what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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